(song; It Didn’t Stay - But Something Did)
The clarity didn’t last.
That was the first disappointment.
For a few hours — maybe a day — everything had been effortless.
No centre.
No manager.
Just life happening without commentary.
Then, quietly, the old gravity returned.
Thoughts reassembled themselves.
Preferences hardened.
The familiar sense of “me” crept back in — not dramatically, just practically, like furniture being moved back into a room.
She noticed the disappointment before she noticed the identification.
I lost it.
That thought hurt more than the return of self ever had.
But something else had changed — something subtle and irreversible.
When suffering arose, it no longer felt absolute.
It felt constructed.
Even while identified, she could sense the seams:
the bodily tightening that preceded the story,
the way language wrapped itself around sensation and called it mine.
The self was back — but it was thinner now.
Less convincing.
More like weather than architecture.
Weeks passed.
Then months.
She still got caught.
Still reacted.
Still forgot.
But the forgetting was no longer total.
There was a background knowing — not always accessible, not always comforting — that whatever pain appeared was not who she was.
The insight hadn’t stayed.
But it had left a mark.
Like seeing through a stage trick once — you can still enjoy the show, but you’ll never quite believe the illusion again.
INVESTIGATION — “What Actually Changes?”
This investigation isn’t about holding onto insight.
It’s about noticing what shifts even when insight is gone.
1. Acknowledge impermanence honestly
Ask yourself:
Is any state — clarity, peace, openness — ever permanent?
Look at your own experience.
States come and go.
They always have.
This includes awakening experiences.
2. Notice what doesn’t return to baseline
Even when identification is present, check:
Does suffering feel as personal as it once did?
Is pain instantly believed, or slightly questioned?
Is the story tighter — or looser?
Most people notice:
something never fully closes again.
3. Examine the new relationship to suffering
When distress appears now, ask gently:
Is this suffering happening — or is someone suffering?
Don’t answer conceptually.
Feel into the body:
contraction
heat
pressure
urgency
Notice how quickly the sense of “me” is assembled from sensation.
Seeing this even once changes everything.
4. Identity as a process, not a problem
The self doesn’t disappear forever.
It re-forms as:
tension
habit
language
memory
anticipation
The difference now:
it’s recognised as a process, not a truth.
That recognition reduces cruelty — toward yourself and others.
5. The lasting effect
The insight doesn’t stay as an experience.
It stays as:
humility
softness
reduced self-attack
less certainty
more patience with confusion
a gentler relationship to being human
This is not failure.
This is integration.