Can i not want to want the pain to end?
A story of possibility
There is no story of before. No vision of what might come after.
Only this.
This pain, right now. Full. Fierce. Without boundary. It doesn't ask for attention—it demands it. It doesn’t knock—it breaks the door in.
There’s no label that fits. No word can hold it. But still, I try, just to steady myself: tight, dense, sharp, burning. Throbbing behind the eyes. A twisting in the gut. I say these things, softly, as if naming a storm might tame it. It doesn’t.
The sensation shifts, slightly. Or maybe it doesn’t. I’m not sure anymore if it’s the pain moving or my perception of it. Either way, it’s still here.
I breathe, but not to calm it. Just to breathe. Just to stay.
There’s no spiritual bypass here. No mantras to mask it. This isn’t a lesson. It isn’t noble. It isn’t beautiful. It just is. And it’s all-consuming.
My mind rushes to make sense of it, to build stories around it: why it’s here, what caused it, how long it will last. But I’ve heard these stories before. They never help.
So I stop following the thoughts. I let them go on without me. I’m here.
The sensations are not a puzzle. They are weather. They roll through. Cold front. Heatwave. Electrical storm. I cannot resist them without tearing myself in two.
I notice the want—not for the pain to stop, but for the wanting itself to stop. That hunger for relief is a second ache, riding the back of the first. And I watch that too.
Even the desire to be free from desire is allowed.
No effort to push anything away. No reaching for escape. No grasping for meaning. Just breath. Just the rawness of this moment.
I don’t pretend it’s okay. But I also don’t pretend it shouldn’t be happening.
This is the experience. It’s not about redemption or realization. There’s no transformation in sight. Just sensation.
Just trembling.
Just now.
The pain doesn’t lessen, but something loosens. A thread of soft presence enters the room. Not comfort exactly—but company. A being-with.
Noticing that even in the worst of it, I’m still here. Not broken. Not gone. Just here.
And if nothing changes—if this is how it is—there is still this: a breath, a beat, an openness that was not here a moment ago.
Not peace.
But something like it.
And that is enough. For now.
For more pointers and suggestions, check out this link to vince-bot using the website as its knowledge base.
Vince Schubert YouTube Channel
Free online meetups every Saturday at 9 pm (Sydney Australia time)
and one each Monday 7 am ( Sydney Australia time)
and each Wednesday at 4 pm (Sydney Australia time)
and every Friday 7 am (Sydney time) - never published.
You can check your local time here:
Or visit the website for countdown timers to each meeting.
Please note that it's always the same time on the same link. Arriving late and leaving early is fine.
Click here to Join Zoom Meeting https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86991485768?pwd=WkIvNk9zS1Q0VlVMR3lENW12Um5DQT09
Here is a link to all of the published recordings.
Audio files can be found here:
There is also paid 1on1 (& also 2 on 1) guiding here: With vince &/or Marius
Although the website still requires a lot of work, there are resources here; WakingUpWithVince.com
..and more here; WakingUpWithMarius
Given the multitude of small costs (that add up to something significant) required to produce these offerings, please consider donating whatever you can comfortably afford. Moneys over and above running costs are directed to the establishment of Suan Jai Sanctuary.
..and remember - lots of little bits make a big bit. ❤️